Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dinner

When my wife says dinner is going to be a surprise tonight, I try to figure it out by looking at her Pinterest activity.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Manual

Who says babies don't come with instructions?
On my daughter's pajamas, it says: Back is Best.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Sunday, July 22, 2012

9 Days

This is our first '9 Days' in our marriage... That nervous conversation you have with your spouse about customs for how often you plan to shower...

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Domesticating...

Crazy glue is not a cheaper and easier alternative to hemming your pants. Stick with needle and thread.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Keep it confidential

A guy called me last night on a restricted number, saying it was a shidduch call.
I asked him who it was about, but he thought I asked him who he was.
"Oh, well..." he hemmed a bit, flustered by the question he thought I asked. "I normally don't tell people my name when I make shidduch calls, but I guess I could tell you, as long as you keep it confidential..."
"Oh no, that's ok!" I interrupted. My allegiances lie with my buddies I'm called about. I wouldn't want to agree to any confidentiality clause in the shidduch call.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Tubs 2.0

I failed to mention in my previous post another quote from this same plumber:
"I'm more your friend than your plumber."
Comforting, indeed.

A Chabadnik who won't drink Vodka

A shliach told me the following story:
He had met a young Russian fellow, who seemed to enjoy drinking vodka as much as the rabbi. The rabbi had been trying to get this man to start wearing Tefillin.
They decided on a little wager. A drinking game is in order. If the rabbi wins, then the man had to put on Tefillin once a week. It was the other guy's turn to seal the bet. If he wins, then the rabbi must go once a week without a Yarmulka!
"He, he he!" the Shliach laughed as he told this to me. "What a fool. Now there was no way I was going to let him win!"
And so it was. The shliach won, and the guy started putting on tefillin.
Of course, the poor shliach got sick for a week, and won't touch vodka again.
But he now likes whiskey; all's well that ends well!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Tubs

A plumber was installing a bathtub in my sister's apartment.
My brother-in-law commends him for the service, and the plumber proudly says, "You'll find a lot of people who can do this better than me, but nobody can do it faster!"
Well, isn't that comforting?

Story Time with chickens

At a Friendship Circle adults event this week, I was asked to tell a story.
Part of the night was spent showing how these adults can be more independent, teaching them how to make simple chicken recipes.
So I thought of a great story that was a perfect match for the event. It was about the Ba'al Shem Tov, whose yahrtzeit was on Shavuos, it was about a chicken, which they were preparing and eating, and an integral character was a boy with special needs. Interestingly, the chicken could talk, while the boy could not.

Here's a summary of the story (there are a few versions):
The Ba'al Shem Tov was in the city of Pozna, and while speaking with the representatives of the community, a woman came in holding a slaughtered chicken, which the shochet had said needed to be inspected more carefully to determine its kashrus.
At once a heated rabbinic debate began among those present, since this was a complicated chicken they saw in front of them.
They turned to the Ba'al Shem Tov for his thoughts. He instructed that a certain boy in a certain house should be consulted.
The messenger hastily made his way to the boy's house, and explained to the father that his son was needed to answer the question of the chicken.
The boy's father was bewildered, for not only was his son just a mere 13 year old boy, he was severely disabled, and because of his special needs, had never spoken or in fact even moved from his bed.
If you were on a mission from the Ba'al Shem Tov, would you have acted any differently than our messenger, who refused to be sent away, and insisted on being led to the boy?
The messenger explained to the boy the complications the chicken had, and the doubt the rabbis had about its kashrus. Incredibly, the boy stood up, went into his father's study, took down an old sefer, and pointed to a section that very clearly addressed this issue. 
"It's kosher," the boy proclaimed, and immediately collapsed; dead with his first words ever spoken on his lips.
The messenger made his way back to the waiting Ba'al Shem Tov to repeat the entire episode.
Everyone was distraught about what had happened, and demanded an explanation for the poor boy's passing.

The Ba'al Shem Tov said:
[Here's a story within a story, so yeah- always a crowd pleaser!]
About twenty years ago there lived a great Talmid Chacham, named R' Sender Shor. Once a woman came to him with a slaughtered chicken, asking for his psak. He normally would give his full attention to whatever question came up, but this time he was in a hurry, and with a glance, told her it was Treif.
When he was niftar, his neshama came up to Heaven, and all the angels wanted to give him a huge spot as a deserving reward for his great accomplishment in Torah and Mitzvos.
"Wait!" bawked one little chicken. "I was a Kosher chicken, but this rabbi declared me unfit to eat for the Shabbos table I was destined to go to!"
The rabbi, knowing he had judged this chicken hastily, remained quiet, for he was filled with shame at this smudge on his otherwise perfect accounting.

The verdict was decided: R' Shor would be sent down back into the world, where he can rectify his mistake, and pasken the chicken (also being sent down) Kosher.
"But please," Rabbi Shor begged from the Heavenly Court, "I've worked so hard my entire life to guard myself from bad deeds, or even speaking bad words. For this one misdeed, I must go through the world one more time, with all its temptations? What if I cannot achieve the same near-perfection the second time around?"
This was a good point, the Court conceded, and decreed that his neshama would go back down, but into a boy who would have special needs. He would need no perfecting, since he was perfect already. He would not be able to speak, so that his mouth should remain pure of any bad speech....

The Ba'al Shem Tov finished the story, "Today was that boy's Bar Mitzvah. As soon as his neshama finally pronounced the chicken to be Kosher, it was able to return to the high spot in Heaven that it rightfully deserved."

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Hey, how ya' doing?

A friend of mine moved on Shlichus recently, and had very nice write-ups in the local papers and news websites.
He was at Costco one rainy afternoon, trying to fit all of his purchases into his car, and getting wet in the process.
A woman walked by slowly, and then continued into the store. When she came out, the Shliach was still stuffing the chairs and tables into his car.
"Are you the new Rabbi?" she asked.
Turning, he saw her, and smiled, "Why, yes!"
"I see," she said. "I saw you when I first came in, but I had read in the paper how friendly the new Rabbi was, but when you didn't say hi and introduce yourself, I thought, 'this must not be the Rabbi'..."
Yikes!

Monday, June 4, 2012

FCSD

At a Friendship Circle barbecue here in S. Diego, I was in the middle of a group of kids and volunteers. Someone mentioned baseball, and I wanted to dazzle them with my vast knowledge of S. Diego sports. I asked, "Do you like the Pedros?"
As I said it, I could tell it wasn't right. The others looked at me, eyebrows raised.
"Woops. Padres, I mean," I told them, feeling foolish.


A man in his upper 30's who has some special needs was at the barbecue. He's very obese, very friendly, and very much a lady's man. I overheard him speaking to a similarly aged woman volunteer, sitting next to him. He told her, "You're very nice. If you had a younger sister, I'd like to marry her."
Interestingly, she didn't warm to his advances, and didn't offer a younger sister's phone number.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Hard of hearing

At a Chabad House once, I was speaking with a very cute, old man who came for services.
When I asked him where he was from originally, he answered, "Portland."
Hmmm. I would have guessed something more like... Minsk, or Tashkent. Portland is nice, too.
But I knew of two, so I asked, "Oregon, or Maine?"
Then he explained to me, "No, Poland!"

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Birthday

I'm 24, ka"h.
Everyone should have the best brachos, to the fullest extent, and to be revealed in the most open way.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

In the land of lego

I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to go to LegoLand, on Chol Hamoed. (And if I'd like to have such opportunities for my entire lifetime, I can pay a mere $2,500 for lifelong membership!)
I went together with my nieces and nephews, so our group had two strollers in our posse.
At the first ride/attraction, everyone filed up to the entrance. Being the responsible Yungerman that I am, I slowly let the others pass, and was hanging back near the strollers. My brother-in-law asked me, "Yossi, aren't you coming on the ride?"
I nervously glanced to the empty strollers, that had been left outside the entrance. It's good they have such a responsible family member, I thought to myself. "No," I told him, "I don't mind staying to watch the strollers. You guys go ahead."
Everyone turned to look at me, eyebrows raised. Their stares gave me concern, so I checked for potato in my teeth (it was Pesach), and that my pants were zipped up.
"Just leave them there. Come on!" I was told.
"Ummm...shouldn't someone stay here though? I really don't mind."
They laughed at my sense of humor. "Yossi. This is California."
Wow. I indeed left the strollers behind, but kept a concerned watch on them throughout our winding line up to the ride.
What a great place, where you can leave things unattended!
But of course, such is the magic and splendor in the Land of the Lego.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Jokes

In shul, I gave a speech, and included a joke I've heard people tell about Chabadniks:
Why didn't the Yidden want to go into the Yam Suf, when the Egyptians were chasing after them?
Because they didn't want to get their matzah wet!

I explained to my audience, though, that this joke is told about us, not among us, since we value Nachshon Ben Aminadav's kabbalas Ol and courage... and we would surely have not cared about our food, left it behind, and jumped into the raging waters.

My father-in-law afterward tweaked my joke, and remarked that obviously, Hashem is a Lubavitcher, since He split the sea before the matzah the Jews were carrying would get wet!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

No ring

One of the reasons married men don't wear wedding rings or bands is simply because of...farbrengens.
For much of the evening, a mashpia/farbrenger is trying to shush the crowd so he can inspire them. Get their attention so he can talk. Shock them into realizing his sincerity, etc...
If guys wore rings, one of the first things readily available (falling in line behind the potato salad, of course) to throw at the guy across from you, would be any jewelry accenting your finger.
Instead, we're left with throwing potato salad, or smashing your hat upside down on your head, "You think I care about my hat? Feh..."

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Out in public

I drove with my wife and mother-in-law to Pennsylvania for Shabbos.
My wife had packed lunch and snacks for the ride, and I asked if I could have some of the delicious provisions.
"Yes, sir!" was her reply, as she looked for the bag.
For my mother-in-law's benefit, I said, "I told you, you don't need to call me that in public."

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Purim, thanks to the misnagdim

(I had posted this a few years ago, but good to hear it again!)
In the times of the Alter Rebbe there was a wedding (mazal tov!) between a Lubavitcher family and a Misnagdishe family. You can imagine the bitterness in the air. The wedding was around the time of Purim, and there was a custom to have a badchan, a joker, entertain the crowd.
First the misnagdim sent up a comedian.
Afterwards, R' Shmuel Munkes went forward from the Lubavitcher side, as a badchan. He said that the whole story of Purim only came about because of the misnagdim. Why? Because at Achashverosh's party, the Lubavitchers were sitting in a corner, with lots of mashke, and were farbrenging. They were having a jolly time. The misnagdim of Shushan, however, were sitting at their table, arms crossed, looking quite bored and sad. Achashverosh saw that this group wasn't enjoying his party, so he tried to cheer them up, and asked them, "Hey, wanna see my wife?"

At this point Shmuel Munkes jumped down from where he had been speaking, and ran away as fast as he could, before the misnagdim at this wedding could get their hands on him.
Later, the Alter Rebbe called R' Shmuel Munkes into his room, for he had heard of the incident. The Alter Rebbe demanded an explanation of this huge chillul shem Lubavitch (well, Chabad. They hadn't moved to Lubavitch yet...).
R' Shmuel Munkes answered, "If you had heard them making fun of your Rebbe the way I heard them talking about mine, you would have done the same!"

Disappointed

Earlier this week, I walked into a flower shop in Crown Heights.
After a minute, the owner recognized my entrance, by asking, "Can I help you?"
"I want to buy some flowers," I explained to him.
And you know what he said?
Nothing!
He was SUPPOSED to say, "Well, you've come to the right place!" but he didn't.
I felt so embarrassed for him, so I pointed to some flowers and started to ask about prices...

I left with my intended purchase of lovely flowers, but very let down, let me tell you.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Trained Well

My niece is toilet trained, but is used to her cute, toddler-sized potty, and not the regular sized ones outside her home.
At the shul, her mother was helping her, and watching in the bathroom.
My niece says, "Mommy, if somebody falls into the toilet, we don't flush it, right?"
Right!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

How's my driving?

In class the other week, I called over each student, to discuss his progress, hopes for improvement...

Before I started to talk about what I wanted to bring up, I asked each boy first, if there was anything he wanted to talk about.
"How are the classes going? Is there something that you want me to change, or make better?" I asked young Yanky (name changed in case he reads this blog).
"No, don't worry. You're doing great."
"Well, thanks a lot!"
How's that for a pat on the back? 11-year-olds say the cutest things.

Friday, February 17, 2012

First

I once went to my newly married friend's apartment, for a farbrengen he was hosting.
When I had to leave, he told me, "Yossi, this shouldn't be the first time you're here!"
Hmmmm.
"Well, "I started to say, "it is..." I regretfully informed him.
"Oh, wait a sec," my friend said.
"You mean, this shouldn't be my last?" I offered.
"Yeah, that's it!"

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Questions and Answers

When I was dating, my shadchan asked me to call her if I felt I was going to propose.
Baruch Hashem, that time came, and I called her up, wondering what she wanted to tell me.
She asked me, "So, how are you going to do it?"
That was a funny question, I thought.
"Um...by phrasing it in the form of a question?"


A woman called me to speak as a reference about a friend of mine. To protect identities, let's call him Yanky.
She wanted to know a little bit more about his personality, and how his friends viewed him.
She asked me, "What's the first thing that comes to mind, when Yanky enters a room?"
"What do I think when he comes in?" I repeated the question, making sure I understood. I took this question seriously, and conceptualized what I think about as I see him enter. I came up with my answer, and told her, "I think: Hey. Here's Yanky!"