Friday, April 23, 2010

Birthday blues

It is my sister's birthday this upcoming week, and I've been trying to come up with some over-the-top ideas for a suitable present. Unfortunately, animal rights laws and bureaucratic red tape have shot down many of my ideas.
For example, I thought it would be fun to get a Silver Man, like this guy,
to follow her around for the whole day, and stand silently behind her at her work.
So as soon as I got back to New York from Pesach vacation, I started contacting various agencies, hoping to hire a Silver Man out for the day. Did you know there is a Silver Man Union?? I found out quite soon that it would be a daunting, if not impossible, task. I first needed approval from the NYC comptroller. Than I needed a permit from the Crown Heights Community Council. The New York Board of Health would require that I present paperwork detailing the Silver Man's vaccinations records.
The whole time that I was meeting with these groups, and learning which requirements I needed to fulfill, I was being hounded by S.P.A.S.M. -the Society for the Preservation and Appreciation of Silver Men. These folks are ruthless and I finally had to change my phone number, stop wearing fur, and notify the FDNY not to come to my apartment at 2:00 AM every night of the week.

So I might be stuck with just giving a cake.