Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Worldwide Cooties Pandemic

-Yossi "A.B." Inlubavi, Reuters

As of the last week of October, the C1N1 virus, or 'cooties', has become the world's deadliest and most widespread pandemic since the Bubonic Plague, which nearly destroyed Europe over 600 years ago, in the middle of the 14th century.
Besides for the millions already fallen prey to the cold claws of the cooties, tens of millions are still at risk.
While the mildest cases produce flu-like symptoms, the C1N1 virus in its most lethal strain can cause organ failure and/or death.

Cooties are not something to be taken lightly.

Miranda Wells, the spokesperson for the U.S. Dept. of Health, announced Friday that scientists hope we've seen the worse of this epidemic. Still, she says, the public is urged to take all necessary precautions against the cooties.

In the past weeks, many schools have been closing, to avoid the co-mingling of the boys and girls-the easiest way of contracting the cooties.

The U.S. Government has already hinted at the possibility of forced vaccinations for all children and teens, as it is for some branches of the military already. This created a major storm in the public arena. Some radio talk-show hosts brought the fact to light that Mrs. Obama's own children were not vaccinated against the C1N1 virus.
While Mrs. Obama has not put out an official statement regarding this matter, it is purported that her Tweet said at one time: "I raised my kids better than that. There's no need for the vaccine."

The public hysteria over the cooties pandemic has brought Wall Street almost to a screeching halt. Banks and businesses are reporting all-time lows in their quarterly reports. Some environmentalists are pointing to the the alarmingly increasing rate of the ozone layer's depletion, and lay the blame of this directly onto the sheer number of tissues consumed from crying parents.

Contracting the Cooties
Any form of close contact between boys and girls could cause either of them to become infected. Close contact means within approximately 18 inches, depending on the city's elevation from sea level. While it is rare, there have been verified cases in which both the boy and girl become sick.

The Vaccine
The only sure way to vaccinate somebody from the C1N1 cooties virus, is to administer the Cootie Shot. While a fairly simple procedure: "Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you've got the Cootie Shot.", doctors stress that children should not attempt this on their own, but rather see a medical professional.

Should the vaccine be taught in schools?
Some organizations argue that the Cootie Shot should not be taught to children in the schools.
"We are saying that it is okay to be near a girl, then! Everyone will just take the Shot, and that's that! Is that what you want? Not for my kids!" one mother told me.
Others argue that boys will be in close proximity to girls, regardless of what they are taught at home, and could be prime targets to become infected with cooties. It is the responsibility of the school to see to it the welfare of its students.

Cooties Myths:
Cootie Prevention: If you jump up and down 100 times after coming within a foot of the opposite gender, you can prevent the spread of cooties. This is false. The origins of this myth are unknown.
Detection of Cooties: If you eat an apple immediately before entering the doctor's office, the doctor will not be able to detect that you have cooties. This is false. It applies only to dentists.
If you put a penny under your tongue, your doctor will not be able to detect cooties. This is false as well. It is a myth about sobriety tests, which is also false.

Cooties Conspiracies:
Some conspiracy theorists blame the Jews for the current Cooties Pandemic. This is based on the astonishing low rate among Jews of those infected with the C1N1 virus. However, many point out in their defense that religious Jews, as it is widely known, do not come into contact with members of the opposite gender. Rabbi Shmuly Rokeach, author of the book Kosher Kooties, explains that Jews do in fact take the Cootie Shot, contrary to popular belief. The shot, coupled with the separation between genders, nearly guarantees their low infection rate.
There is an increasingly popular conspiracy that Cooties were brought over from aliens who crash landed and were then later detained in Area 51. I could not verify this from the U.S. Government as of the time of this publication.

Outlook for the future:
As stated above, many scientists seem optimistic for an end to this epidemic.
We must take all precautions not to become infected or spread this disease, to ensure our health and the health of our loved ones.

Many people around the globe are now wearing stickers, buttons, and other paraphernalia with the now commonplace slogan:
"Girls are icky"