Saturday, June 21, 2008

How to be like Yossi

So you think you have what it takes to blog like me? If you want to get inside my head, here are the 8 easy steps it takes to write a post just like Yossi!! So this summer, you can write pretend posts, and imagine they are from me!!! Then you won't miss me that much!!!

  1. Choose a tiny "happening" that you remember, but nobody would want to listen to, it's that stupid
  2. Expand and exaggerate
  3. Add humor
  4. Start at least three lines with "So"
  5. Use the parentheses, double parentheses, and sometimes even triple parentheses.
  6. Say things like "I mean, come on, right??"
  7. Put in some philosophical babble about life
  8. End with a funny Hora'ah
See how easy it is? I've revealed the secret to being me. Now you can all try while I'm away.
Here's a sample post. It's not true.
It will be based on the Happening: I got wet from a puddle.
Notice it is a simple, one sentence story. Not exciting. Pretty pathetic. But now look what it can become:

So I was walking down Kingston, right?
And of course, it was raining (like it normally does on the days I need to go somewhere)(which is usually every day.... huh.)(OMG!! does it rain, because I'm outside, or am I outside because it is raining???!!!).
So I was of course minding my own business, rushing hither and thither (are those real words? If so, add them to my favorite words list), and this mother and her two sons were walking towards me. She had this huuuge umbrella (and you know what I think about those...), and her kids, I could even tell from a distance, were absolute animals.
There were cars zooming up Kingston, so I couldn't cross the street.
I just had a really bad premonition about it.
And it turned out I was only too right.
There was this massive puddle (of course) right in between me and this family.
I saw the gleam of evil schemes in the bigger boy's eyes.
I was frantic. I tried looking for an escape, but found none.
I didn't know what to do. My throat felt like it was closing up.
It was everything I had in me, just to keep concentrating on wide, open pastures.
And then he went for it, at the last possible second-
He jumped as hard as he could into the huge puddle, spraying Everyone, soaking me head to toe in disgusting Crown Heights mucky water!!!!!
It was so gross!!
And the worst of it was, to top it off, the way the mother just chuckled (that's right, laughed!!!) at how funny her son was being!!!
I mean, come on, lady!!! Discipline your kids!! They are wreaking havoc on humanity, and you think they are adorable!
Well, they're not. And that goes to all you parents out there who would just laugh when your kids kicks someone in a place that hurts, or throws food at someone... whatever.
Anyway, if you want to play it safe, just don't go out the rain, because that means I'll probably be out on the streets, too.
That's it. The sample post. If you thought it sounded a lot like me... well, I did write it. And if you thought it still didn't have that neshama of the Yossi you love... well, it didn't exactly happen, and I didn't write it L'Shma.

Hey, I have an idea. You can write about things that happen to you this summer, trying to fit it into the "be like Yossi" outline. Email it to me (I'll probably have time to check it). And then.... I don't know. Probably nothing. So you know what? Nevermind about that last thing.