Sunday, May 25, 2008

The "S" Word

It is a proven fact that every guy my age thinks about the "S" word every 10 seconds.
I am no exception.

The idea of Shlichus is consuming my waking thoughts, and some of my dreams.

It was only a few years ago that I even decided to go on Bochur Shlichus in the first place. As to Shlichus after marriage- I have no clue as to what I'll do. First I have to get through next year.

It is a very scary and daunting prospect.

Am I capable?

To be a shliach is not as simple as deciding to put on a new pair of socks you've never worn before. A shliach is a Shliach of the Rebbe!!!

I have learned many sichos about the different levels in shlichus, according to Halacha and Gemoroh. A shliach must be similar to the Mishaleach (sender), which is why a goy cannot be a Jew's shliach when it comes to mitvos which he must perform, like giving a get...

Then the levels come, which explain how much of the Mishaleach you actually become. Up until the point that you are the Mishaleach, and in everything that you do he is there.

Am I really up to that point as a Chossid that I can say the Rebbe can be seen in every single thing that I do???

Will I be able to be the Rebbe's shliach properly?

One of the most basic principles in teaching and influencing is that you can only give over something if you have it yourself.

Do I have it?
I look in the mirror and find it hard to say I do. I know myself, and I know what the students in the Yeshiva will need. It is disheartening and depressing. What is more disparaging is the thought that I obviously don't care about my Chassidishkeit as much as I should, or else I would have already changed to be at the level I want.
Won't the bochurim in the yeshiva be able to see that?

And of course, these are not my only concerns about Shlichus.
What first seemed an incredible concept, but now I am not so sure, is that in my Yeshiva we actually have a say in where we are sent. There are only 16 bochurim going on Shlichus, as opposed to Oholei Torah's 160.
So I am working around the clock to make sure I have the best group possible to go with me. The problem is that so is everyone else, and with the limited places, not everyone will be totally happy.
It is a very hard job for Hanhala to do- put every bochur in the group and place that is perfect for him.

And it takes a bit of Emunah now to believe that once the list comes out, it is all according to the Rebbe's wishes. Before Gimmel Tammuz, the Rebbe would give the final say, and look over all lists.
So where now I might be upset (at first) at hearing that someone I either don't get along with, or who I think might not do well on Shlichus is coming with me, but when you know the Rebbe looked at the list and gave you Brachos, and made a motion with his hands that said, "Go, Conquer!!" you have no doubt whatsoever.

The Rebbe should give me all the Brachos and Koichos I clearly need, in order to be the Rebbe's Shliach, and succeed.