Thursday, February 11th is Doomsday

And not just for what Iran is claiming.
It's the tentative date for my Basar B'Chalav Test.
For those keeping score at home, my Smicha Syllabus is azoy:
3 Big Tests: Melicha, Basar B'Chalav, Ta'aruvois
1 small test: Ma'achalei Akum, Hilchos Krias HaTorah
1 Medium test: In the Alter Rebbe's Shulchan Aruch, from Siman 158 in Orach Chayim until the end of the first volume, including Seder Birchas HaNe'enin.

At the fairly fast pace we are going, the whole learning and testing should take a total of about 9.5 months. After this test, I have 4.5 months left, scheduled to finish IY"H around Tishrei time.

Anyways, about what Iran is babbling about, we don't know if they plan something big against us, or against their own people who rebel against them, but either way Iran says it will stun the West. So if they're admitting they're gonna do something on Thursday that we don't like, then I say that on Wednesday we should nuke 'em. What say you?

Start planning now for the eventual takeover

If we are to learn anything from Science Fiction, it is this: a computer or collection of computers with near-human intelligence, designed by humans, will eventually turn against us and takeover the planet. Take HAL, for example. Or the matrix.

The future is here. We already have created a computer program that is a collective of all human knowledge.
We must start to plan now as to the methods we should have available in order to shut him down. Hackers should begin to design fail-switches and viruses, for example.

It is only a matter of time before we will have to deal with Evil Wikipedia.

A Unified Nation

Everything in this world appears disconnected and as separate entities.
This is true especially among people. Physically, we are all unique, and do not look exactly alike. More so, in our minds and intellect we are very different from one another, as the sages say, "Ein Dayosehen Shavos", our opinions and thought processes are far from equal.
There are two causes that can transcend these limiting factors, and unite a people. They can do this since they are higher than the world itself.
Which two things are on a higher level than the world? Well, which things came before the world, and are the purpose for its creation?
Rashi on the first words of the Torah explains that the world was created for Yisroel and for Torah.

As the Jews camped near Mt. Sinai, about to receive the Torah, Rashi says (based on the wording in the verse) that the Jews were completely unified, "K'Ish Echad B'Lev Echad", as one man with one heart. This was before the Torah was given, so we know it couldn't have been Torah which united the Jews. With only one option left, it is obvious that the Jews' own Jewish identity was the factor in unifying them all. All Jews share a common G-dly spark in their soul. The Jewish people can be very divided at times. However, they can also reach such a lofty level of unity that they appear as just one man with one heart.

The Egyptians also were unified during the same period of time. As they were chasing after the Jews toward the Sea of Reeds, Rashi explains (also based on the wording in the verse) that they were of one heart, as one person. Notice the subtle difference as to the wording describing their unity to that of the Jews'.
Only because of their common hatred of the Jewish people, could they be united.
Jews, on the other hand, became united for the simple fact of who they were. That caused them to be one of heart in their desire to receive the Torah. Their unification into one man caused their singular emotion at the base of Mt. Sinai.

If you are a gentile, have no fear! After the Torah was given, the capability for at least a similar unity was also given to the rest of the world. For as we said before, Torah is also something which gives the power to unite.

May we see the coming of Moshiach and the "ingathering of the exiles" when we'll all be reunited with all Jews, past and present, in Eretz Yisroel!

Based on sicha aleph in chelek chof aleph on parshas Yisro

Welcome to the Shchuna

To all High School Meidelach,

As long as you start to the follow these simple rules, we will all have a wonderful weekend:

1. Do not congregate in groups larger than 60 in number at various spots on Kingston, Albany, etc. These human roadblocks make it hard for pedestrians and especially bochurim to navigate their way to such locations as 770 and Kahn's. Personally, I feel like the ball in a game of Pong, being bounced back and forth to either side of the street to weave around and bypass these gatherings.
2. No shrieking. I cannot make it any simpler than that. No shrieking. 
3. Don't hang around in a store if you are not planning on buying anything.
4. Similar to Rule Number 2, do not converse on the phone loud enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear.

Thank you, and enjoy your stay!

Turn your frown upside down

I cannot frown.
Weird, huh? I physically cannot frown. I can't get anything frownier than a straight face.
And if I'm trying? Fuh-gettabout it. If I'm trying, I can't even make a straight face. I just start to laugh and crack up.
I don't necessarily mind this facial physiological oddity. I have bigger issues and problems to deal with. ("You've got that right!...")

Check out the poll

Check out the poll and vote. You know you want to.

Picks for Yisro

Before I begin, I want to begin with (huh?) a story from when I was a bochur in Pittsburgh. R' Choni Friedman was farbrenging with us Shabbos Yisro, and his three year old son came into the room. The boy related how his Morah said the parsha was Yisro, but he told her she was wrong; it's Yisroy. (Because that's how we pronounce it...) Then when R' Friedman asked what happened when Yisroy came and met with Moshe, his son answered that they sat down and farbrenged together!

Anyway, here are my sicha picks:

Hebrew Sicha: Lamed Vov, sicha Beis (page 90)- It's about Kibbud Av V'Em. I heard from my sister that some girls like to skip brackets while learning a sicha. I would discourage that method bch'lal (there's no good place for my apostrophe there, huh?), and especially for this sicha. In the second set of brackets, the Rebbe discusses how Gentiles are able to give birth. (If you're interested in a dissertation, I once wrote up a Ha'arah regarding this point. The Rebbe Rashab famously wrote and then took out of the final draft of a ma'amer how goyim really should have bodies like animals, if not for Bechira. The Rebbe in another sicha explains this for things like the heat in the summer, and the existence of gold... But here in this sicha, the Rebbe describes the reason for Bechira differently... Anywho.)

Yiddish Sicha: Chof Aleph, sicha aleph, about Vayichan Sham Yisroel Neged HaHar*. If memory serves, the Rebbe makes a distinction between what unites goyim, and what unites the Jewish People. Very powerful sicha.


*I am doomed that whenever I say or even think the words Vayichan Sham Yisroel Neged HaHar, the song with the same name by Shoime Dachs starts to play in my head. Seriously, every single time. It's not a blessing. Only a curse.

Dumbo booked Yossi

No, I wasn't arrested by an officer of the law named Dumbo.
Dumbo is really DUMBO, and the shliach there booked me to lein the megillah for Purim, night and day.
Now what should I dress up as?

Girl Power

Did you guys notice how this week's parsha was all about feminism?
First we have Miriam doing her own Song thang, with the womenfolk.
Then in the haftorah, we've got Devorah, the woman Shofet, doing her thang with Barak and going to war.
Of course we have Yael, who decapitated Sisra, and gave inspiration for Yehudis in the story of Chanuka, a while later in time.

Have some fun with your friends

Here's something fun you can do with your friends, if there are other people about.
Turn to your friend and ask, "So in how long can I finally tell people? A week? Sooner?"

This works for all single bochurim, and single girls. I guess this would work for a married girl, but you wouldn't be joking about getting engaged, but rather her being pregnant, and I'm not sure you'd want to pull that one. It's up to you.

Tu B'Shvat

Here's a quick vort I picked up, in the name of R' Moshe Rubin:

Trees in a forest all grow straight and tall, while the branches of a city tree bend & twist, producing poor lumber. In the forest, the trees stand crowded together, so they limit each other's spread. But a lonely city tree grows unrestrained all over the place, because it has nothing to stop it.
A man is like a tree in the field. It is much better for a person to grow along with others, than to grow by himself, all alone.
________________________

It's interesting to note that many people do not realize what it means, when we say "Ki Adam Etz HaSadeh".
We always say that it means, "A person is like a tree of the field."

If you look at the posuk where it's from, you'll see it's actually written as a question. "Is a person like a tree of the field [that can run away from battle]?" The psukim are discussing the prohibitions of cutting down certain trees during a siege on a city.

This doesn't chas v'shalom negate anything chassidus or mussar explains from the idea that a person is like a tree. Because although it's in question format, it is comparing them to a certain degree. And the gemara in Taanis asks on this posuk: How is a person like a tree? So obviously there is some comparison.

Anyway, have a good shabbos, and a renewed and fresh year on this Tu B'Shvat.
Also remember that this shabbos is Shabbos Shirah, and we do not throw bread to the birds on Shabbos. You're going to have to do that on Friday, if you wish.

I need help.

Ha, ha. Very funny.

No, not that kind of help. Or if I did, I wouldn't be revealing it on a public blog.

Instead, I need help with understanding our Parsha. AND THIS ISN'T A DVAR TORAH, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SKIP IT.

The very first possuk explains how Hashem led the Jews in a roundabout way, to avoid coming into contact with the Plishtim, who would start a war. The Jews would be novices in warfare, and Hashem wanted to let the Jewish people get used to being the Jewish Nation for a while, before dealing with such things. Rashi says he didn't want to scare the Jews. After all, they were running for their lives, away from the Egyptians, they would not be too relieved to see that what faced them was a mighty Plishtim army.

Okay, so that's the first possuk. In the second possuk, it says that the Jews left Egypt armed! They took weapons out with them! And that wouldn't scare the begeebees out of them?

Imagine leaving Egypt, and suddenly a man comes forward, and hands you a huge battle-ax you can barely carry. "Oh, my! What the heck am I supposed to do with this?" But he doesn't hear your question because he has already moved on past you to hand a deadly broadsword to the woman behind you.

So they were told, "Yeah, guys, don't worry, peaceful journey. Just make sure to polish these throwing knives we're handing out, and read the manual on deathgrips."

The only way to understand this would be to say that the Jews knew eventually they would have to fight wars, so really, taking all these weapons out with them would calm them, knowing they'd eventually be prepared, instead of freaking them out, as I originally described.

But I don't know. What do you guys think? I haven't looked up any meforshim, so maybe there's something there.

You're fired!

Up in Heaven, some poor angel is packing up his paperweights and pencil holders into a cardboard box and is handing in his keys to the office.
Job cuts aren't limited to Earth, apparently.
Because you better believe that the angel who accidentally pushed the 'Snow' button this morning was told to find a different job.

I just hope he can get back onto his feet, to support his family of little Seraphim and Cherubs.

An angel who wishes to remain anonymous explained the situation these days Up There:
"It's pretty crazy. What with the reading of all the Panim from Yud Shvat, and all the Tree Contracts that need to be renegotiated in time for Tu B'Shvat... I can see how an angel might make mistakes like this."

At the lchaim

Last night I attended a Lchaim, mazal tov mazal tov.
Everyone is special, and deserves mention, but I'll point out those with a shaichus to Blogger with whom I spoke:
TRS, The Tippler, Shriki, and Jonathon were the Bloggers. Fakewood and LazyBoy were the Commenters.
The Bloggers allowed these Commenters to sit and shmooze, as equals. We are not elitist. Even though, let's face it, we don't need Commenters (proof is November '09, when I didn't have comments available, and I still blogged healthily), they are still appreciated.

Here's a quick list of some things I learned while at the lchaim:

• A kapotah can set you back up to $900.
• A ring can set you back Twenty Five Hundred!!
• If you accidentally spill your mashke on your pants, others will be inclined to accidentally spill on you, as well.
• Be careful not to compare the relationships between a chossid, mashpia, and the Rebbe to terms you learned in Bassar Bchalav, because if an aquaintance of your's is drunk, he could misunderstand you, believe you are disrespecting the Rebbe, and slap you in the face. (Notice the term 'aquaintance'. So if you've been paying attention, I've clearly outlined two distinct ways to fall from my graces. 1) Steal my name and open a Gmail account, and 2) hit me. )
• If you're at the right place at the right time, you can get a piece of the plate they break. I'm still not sure what I'll do with it...
  

When The Dog Bites

Okay, so according to Maria from The Sound of Music, if a dog is attacking you and biting you, and you are in excruciating pain, and worried about rabies and diseases and possible amputation, there is a simple solution to alleviate some of the pain, and make things better.

Just think about something like whiskers on a kitten or packages tied with string.
That will make things all better.

So imagine:
A friend of mine is walking, turns the corner, and sees that a ferocious and vicious looking dog is biting me with a locked jaw, just above the knee. "Oh, no, Yossi!" my friend cries out in alarm. He looks at me, and is startled by the calm, if not enraptured look on my face.
"Don't worry, friend. Cream colored ponies... cream colored ponies."

Celebrities

I saw Matisyahu today in 770. I'm not normally there for shacharis, so that was cool.
I see TRS frequently, and it's always nice to meet him.
And last night at Beis Rivkah, I saw: BENNY FRIEDMAN!!!! Since I've never told you my Benny Friedman story, I guess now is a good time:

A few months ago, late at night, I was crossing Eastern Parkway. Oh, and I was minding my own business. Ahead of me were two fellows, one of which looked (from the back) a lot like The Benny.

In a really high and bewildered voice, I cry out, "Benny Friedman???!"
Lo and behold, The Benny turns around, gives me a look, and continues walking away from me.

I was stunned. When I reached the other side of the street, I see The Benny was there. As he shook my hand, he explained, "Sorry. I'm not allowed to be seen in the middle of the street anymore!"
Get it? Because of all the stupid feeback he got about his CD cover?? So The Benny on the spot, made up a funny joke, just for me! For me!

YossiNews (or: I'll tell you what iz neias)

Here are some headlines I've gathered from various news outlets:


YossiPoints Fall Against the Euro
Wall Street, New York- Despite a recent rally, YossiPoints have fallen against the Euro at the end of this quarter. However, with the decline of the MottelPoint due to a decrease in posts in these last weeks, the YossiPoint is still a safer and more stable investment for Americans than MottelPoints. Financial analysts advise South American and Croation bloggers to invest in the BlogspotFrancs, which have been steadily rising in value since the mid 1980's.....

Housing Bubble Bursts
Richmond, Virginia- A large housing bubble in the greater Richmond area burst this week. Hundreds of pedestrians were caught unawares and were taken to Memorial Regional Medical Center to remove the goo from their hair...

Congress Debates on Facebook Elections
Washington, D.C.- This week in the U.S. House, Representatives will debate the proposed Constitutional Amendment to change the presidential election process. The Stanley-Wolkoff Bill is a proposal that in effect renders the Electoral College obsolete. Registered voters will simply become a 'fan' of the candidate of their choice. To preempt corruption of ballots, voters will not be able to 'poke' or 'throw a sheep' at other voters. They will of course still be able to invite other voters to Mafia Wars and Farmville, as Fred Wolkoff, one of the co-authors of the bill, maintained: "Without Farmville, what point is there really of Facebook?".....
 

NASA Publishes Shocking and Never Before Seen New Moon Photos
Universal City, California- Summit Entertainment Studios sues....
 

"Tefillin on a Plane!"

I know you don't care that much to be bored with all my insightful commentary into the whole Tefillin Terrorist thing.

If I could hold your attention for just one moment, I do want to share with you the following:

Please, let's not have to look like idiots by stupidly assuming that Goyim know what the word phylacteries means! We can just say tefillin, and either they'll know what it is, or not.

Proofs from Nigleh YossiQuiz

Okay, so chassidus puts forth many different ideas on various topics. Almost all can be proven from Nigleh, as well.

The Questions:

1. What is the proof in Nigleh (revealed Torah. Like gemara, shulchan aruch, mishna, tanach...) for the concept of: Moach Shalit Al HaLev, which means 'the mind controls the heart'?
2. What is the proof in Nigleh for the idea of Hashgacha Protis that the Ba'al Shem Tov taught, how every single little creature and creation on this world has a specific purpose and Hashem directly is involved with their every move?

The YossiPoints:

• 250 YossiPoints for the answer to either question, and 600 if you can answer both!
• 50 FOLLOWER BONUS YossiPoints
• 3 YossiPoints for every true compliment you can give yourself. Limit six per customer.

The Last Words:
'Good luck!'

Farbrengen

Just found out I'm farbrenging tomorrow night for some of my bochurim from last year.
Anyone have any ideas for topics to farbreng about with 15 year olds? Besides for the usual Yud Shvat angle, obviously.